Diary of a Secondary Postpartum Haemorrage, Letters from the heart

Believing things happen for a reason

I am a believer that things happen to us for a reason. Obstacles and difficulties are lessons in disguise.

It can be hard to justify pain and poverty and often life can just seem so unfair. Some people suffer more than others and often it’s a postcode lottery. Depending on where, when and to whom in the world you were born can determine your fate.

But even people with money, status and privilege are not exempt from life’s hardships and tragedies. And it’s how we deal with these hurdles that defines who we become.

I am just coming out of the other side of a severe secondary postpartum haemorrhage. It is just a week after the frightening set of events suddenly unfolded.

It all feels raw, I am still feeling physical effects of trauma and blood loss as well as the emotional effects. I thought I was going to die. I thought I was going to leave my two precious young children without a Mummy . An incredible man without a Wife. And that hurt me more than any fear for myself.

I know from experience that it’s the loved ones who are left behind who really suffer. And in that moment it’s when you know you have become truly selfless.

Important revelations

I know I am lucky. I have a wonderful Husband, two gorgeous children, a lovely home and great family and friends. Until recently myself and those I love have also been in good health.

So why was I always chasing more? There has been a driving force inside of me for many years, where I am always striving for more. If I just achieve one more thing or reach that goal, I’ll be happier.

It is tiring and frustrating. I’m never fully at peace and I’m probably missing a whole lot happening right before my eyes.

I’m always chasing a dream; a quest to finally find that job that will make me feel fulfilled and earn me tons of money. And then frustration; that job never seems to materialise even with all the research I’ve put into it.

The bottom line is no job will define me. There is so much more to a person than that. Yes I want to contribute financially and I think there are benefits to be had from having a good job that you enjoy, you do spend a large chunk of your life there.

I used to roll my eyes a little when I read posts that said “being a Mummy is the most important job in the world”. It felt like such a cliche. But only after this frightening experience of the past week do I realise who true those words really are.

The thought of my babies growing up without a Mummy was the most horrifying thought imaginable to me. These two innocent children, who need my love, my nurture, my guiding force. Who need the unconditional love that no one else in the world could possibly feel for them other than me. They have a very doting father but it still isn’t a mother’s love.

I grew them and carried them in my womb. I felt every kick, every squirm and they were soothed by my heartbeat and my voice for many months before anyone met them in the outside world.

I have a primal and instinctual love and protective force for these children that nobody could compete with. Suddenly I realised that this is the most important job in the world. These babies need me more than anything.

It won’t always be a smooth ride. They will frustrate me and test me to my limits. But these everyday, family moments are what add up together to make a life that’s been worth living. To have made such a difference to these two lives and to set them up for a good future, to shape them into good people.

I also have so much love to give to my gorgeous husband who still amazes me and gives me those tingles everyday. The love I’ve been searching for my whole life.

I have so many memories to make with these three amazing people who are my world and I really don’t intend to waste a second of it or take any of it for granted again. Maybe it took a huge and painful lesson to make me realise that.

“To the world you might just be one person; but to one person you might be the world.”

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